"Star Trek Future, According to Scott Adams"
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The
Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness. Copyright United
Media, 1997.
Please keep this notice with the text if you forward it by
e-mail.
........................................................
There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it
is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision
is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not
take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of
the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the
more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
Medical Technology
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly
close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in
the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up
behind you and seal your ass shut as a practical joke. The
devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical
outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to
close other people's orifices.
Transporter
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space
and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to
trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the
same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new
pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll
be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be
accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture.
People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate
objects protruding from parts of their bodies.
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch
yesterday.'
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave
the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming
groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I
wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this
power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If
I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of
the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam
the rest into my neighbor's garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I
heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the
commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back
before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with
the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it
would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have
to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all
the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life.
There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my
time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
Holodeck
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the
holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like
the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for
recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic.
If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until
I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be
anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy
Crawford and her simulated twin sister. Holodecks would be very
addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd
get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me
and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but
that's exactly why I'd need a massage. I'm afraid the holodeck
will be society's last invention.
Sex with Aliens
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated
with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would
open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the
confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings, much
less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly transported
naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what.
This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be
quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a
galactic-sized mistake.
Me Trying
to Have Sex with an Alien
Me:
May I touch that?
Alien: That is
not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being
that has been attached to my body for six hundred years.
Me:
It's cute. I wonder if it would let
me have sex with it.
Alien:
That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.
The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star
Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon
afterward. I don't have to tell you how many problems that would
solve. Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.
Phasers
I would love to have a device that would stun people into
unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a
day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the
clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the
theater, zap! On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning
people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do
is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that
is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine
real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense is
credible.
Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that
vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an
evil alien entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand
under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark
for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense
that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog, despite the
fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty
feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best
approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow
tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb
anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some
sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser
was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who
is said to be invisible. And if that doesn't work, a photon
torpedo is clearly indicated.
Cyborgs
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100
percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of
my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my
garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction.
If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm,
plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From
what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you
can add whatever tools you think you'd use most. I'd love to see
crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at
someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd
program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little
message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked
On.' It would also be great to have my computer built into my
skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of
life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is
initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations
and I could amuse myself in my head all day long. I think that if
anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of
people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for
the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology
has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine
everyone wanting to be a cyborg. The only downside I can see is
that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the
cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay
all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you
have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the
service.
Shields
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time,
especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close
to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a
bit if I also had a phaser to play with. I wouldn't need a big
shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise,
maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult
dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of
personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the
future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
Shopping
with Shields Up
Me: Ring
this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I
oughta slug you!
Me: Try it.
My shields are up.
Saleswoman:
Damn!
Me: There's
nothing you can do to harm me.
Saleswoman: I
guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our
interest rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice
try.
Long-Range Sensors
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to
scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid
work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then
quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If
your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before
the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.
Vulcan Death Grip
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no
such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish
there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be
easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident. 'I was
just straightening his collar and he collapsed.' I think the only
thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens
is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting
caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and
virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left
and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at
the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet.
The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry
I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!' And that's
why the future won't be like Star Trek.
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Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert
Future" by
HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997.
Please keep this notice with the text.